There's totally a solution for that problem. Or should I say there's Total-T a solution.
The first thing folks think of when identifying problems with the U.S. military is low testosterone. That was just number 3 for Pete Hegseth. Now that he's solved the 2 big problems of women and people of color in positions of authority, he's going for the obvious.
Our military suffers hormonally. It's affecting the Iran war.
Military personnel over 30 will soon undergo testosterone testing and be offered hormone therapy if deemed "low". The treatments aren't mandatory but participation will be incentivized with a "don't get a pay cut" program.
Experts say fixing the military's low T problem will shorten the Iran war by 2.6 days.
In related news, Secretary of Warpaint Hegseth has signed an endorsement deal with Nugenix. The scuttlebutt is he's eyeing the Doug Flutie character in future ads and really hoping she'll like it too.
We use the old nautical slang for gossip, scuttlebutt, for the naval connection. If you want the tea, he wants to be Doug Flutie with a happy she.
The scuttlebutt was the barrel carrying drinking water on 18th-19th century warships. Sailors traded tales when getting a drink and what's the scuttlebutt? eventually meant spill the tea. Dig? Or is it Doug?
Anyway, maybe the military's low-T issues could be alleviated if the Secretary of Warpaint cut down on the paint in his morning routine. Perhaps if the whole administration cut down on the Maybelline our service personnel would regain their T organically. All that bronzer can't be good for morale.
You know another thing that is bad for morale? How about sunrise at 10 am? It will be that late in some parts of the country in winter if the Sunshine Protection Act is cleared by the Senate. That's the law passed by the House to make daylight savings time permanent. What the law doesn't do, no matter what you hear, is add more daylight to the day.
Under permanent daylight savings time, sunrise will be at 8:45 on December 21 in Elkhorn City. And that's the early side. It can be as late as 10-10:30 in northern parts of the country, after 11 am in Alaska.
It seems like this happens every couple of years now. The southern states in the house will ram through a law to get rid of the spring-forward, fall-back cycle and the more balanced senate will remember the time in 1974 when a permanent daylight savings time law passed. It only took 3 months before public outcry was so loud the law was rescinded and the country returned to the spring-fall cycle in a year.
It's doubtful the current senate will go along with the Sunshine Protection Act, even if Trump thinks it's the best idea since tariffs. Some of the holdouts might go for making standard time permanent, but that would erase those 9:30 sunsets in June. No matter which way you go with a permanent time, you're giving up daylight at times you want it.
Sometimes the best solution to the problem is the one you've got that nobody likes. Total-T totally.